since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
