these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
