i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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