are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize