I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
