I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
