peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize