Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
