In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
