You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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