Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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