I will die if light touches me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
