I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
