all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't deserve a penis
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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