Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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