Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Dear god my vagina.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
