i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
