i think my tv is drunk
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize