he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
