ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
