Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
