Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize