Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
