If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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