i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
