My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
