So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize