I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
