you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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