I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
