does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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