Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just sucked dick on a ferry
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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