I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
