I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
