last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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