Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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