she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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