i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize