Swine flu. Run for my life!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
