I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
so much tequila, so little girl.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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