He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
