I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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