You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize