we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just googled if crying burns calories
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize