What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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