so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
