I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
