Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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