I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
