as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my shit smells like andre
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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