I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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