K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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