The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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