He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
being pregnant is like rehab
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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