Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
