Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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