We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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