i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
