It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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