Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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