and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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