PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
