Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
