As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
