Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
