Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
