I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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