He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
